The F Word

“Marvin hat ‘fuck you’ gesagt.” Marvin’s head immediately went into his hands, nothing but denials coming out of his mouth. He had been ratted out by his little sister in the “look-what-he-did’ voice that five-year-olds embody so well. I was taken aback, to say the least (American 5 year olds don’t even know what this word means, how should a German?), but responded with a demanding ‘Marvin…?”. My reprehensions had opened the floodgates of child curiosity. “What does ‘fook you’ mean” the children began to ask. Swearing is a rather common occurance in Germany - no tv rating systems, no “seven dirty words”, its not uncommon to hear a parent using the word “scheisse” while explaining something to her child.

I’m not a German though. I’m American. And I really don’t need my kids going home to their parents and telling them that the new word they learned today was “fuck you”. The cacophany of children repeatedly attempting to perfect the pronounciation of the newly learned phrase rang through my head, a stop had to come:

“Marvin, if my mama was here and she heard you say that, she would take you into the bathroom and wash your mouth out with soap.”

“Soap is poisonous” Greta informed me.

“That doesn’t matter. The word Marvin just said is a very dirty word and if I ever hear any of you say it, I will personally wash your mouth out with soap. The bathroom is right there.” Silence. I doubt I’ll be hearing that word in the classroom again.

The mere idea of soap being poured down somebody’s throat was such a foreign concept to these children and it showed in the fear in their eyes. When I was growing up, the possibility always seemed to be there, merely from teachers’ threats or travelled rumors. German kids are coddled beyond belief. I imagine simply muttering the sentance “Do you want me to give you something to cry about?” (a sentance I imagine just about all of us heard at one point or another growing up) would get you 30 days. It’s pretty lame if you ask me…